Category Archives: Blog

Blaugust 31: Anywhere But Here


Time moves on and I, again, am stuck in place. Small things change, but never things that matter.

They say–“they” meaning everyone–that you have to make changes happen, instead of just waiting around. And maybe if I could figure out what I actually wanted, it would make sense to try to get it. I have no clue.

One of the things I miss most about college was the constant cycle of change. New classes, new temporary jobs and internships, everything happening in chunks of 3-4 months and then, before you know it, there’s a new thing starting. It was set up that way. The rest of your life could very well be the same exact day, year after year, until you die. If that happens to me, I can say right now that I will not be content. No, I’ll be sitting there, wondering why I couldn’t figure out how to make myself happy.

I need a change. I mean a REAL change, a big change. Move to a new country, start a brand new career, go back to school for something I’ve never studies before change.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m tired of the way things are now.

Blaugust 30: Nope


Today I’ve been stuck in one of those black holes of work in which a fairly simple task is taking much longer than I thought it would. This is certainly due in part to the fact that I haven’t been able to focus. In that situation, 15 minutes of work ends up taking at least an hour.

Unfortunately, this means two things: 1. I will be working until very late to finish this, and 2. I don’t have time to think about blogging today. Not that I have anything to say either.

So another stupid post to add to the list. What else can I do?

Blaugust 29: I’m A Spam


I keep getting emails sent from myself that are kind of like this:

 

screenshot_2016-08-29-09-50-50.png

Note: I don’t get migraines, so I’d definitely never send this to myself 😛

 

Only today did I think to check that they were in my “sent” folder and thus suggested that I was actually hacked, as opposed to someone cloning my email address or whatever it is people do.

So I guess I was hacked, which could turn out to be not good.

I would really like to feel like I am real. It’s a struggle for me that has surfaced many times since I left college. Living in the “real world” sometimes makes me feel like I’m disappearing… and being someone who felt invisible during most of grade school, despite taking up a fair amount of physical space, that seems like an accomplishment–of course, not a good one.

So, I guess it’s time to be changing my password…

Blaugust 28: However Far Away…


I’ve decided it’s time for a Song of the Day post now. Because I feel like it.

Today’s song is “Lovesong” by The Cure, which I heard today and kept thinking about all afternoon.

I was going to include the music video, but I’m not sure how I feel about it… it sort of changed the whole tone of the song when I watched it because it’s really weird. Has anyone else felt that? Anyway. Watch the music video on youtube or put the song on to listen as you please. It’s ALL up to you, dear.

(There’s also a live version by Adele I just found that was pretty good, but very different from The Cure’s original. Yes, sometimes I listen to Adele. Move on please.)

 

Lyrics (from Google Play)

Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

 

Blaugust 27: Try. Fail.


Today was not a good day. I feel like it SHOULD have been a good day because the whole point was to relax and not get stressed out about anything. For ONE DAMN DAY. But I’m not sure how it COULD have been a good day, simply because there are circumstances in my life that just make things really difficult in general.

 

What I thought I would do today:

Take a long walk

Yoga

Read

Pick up my room a little

Call some people

 

What I actually did:

Glance at my work email (bad idea)

Netflix

Emails

Notice joint pain

More Netflix

Check bank accounts (VERY bad idea)

Think about how life could be better

Try not to cry (failed)

Shower

Sulk

 

Now there’s just enough time that I could probably manage to get some reading done, or do very light yoga… but you know how you get to a certain point in a bad day and you can’t imagine trying? It’ll be an achievement if I do the least bit of prep for lunch tomorrow, which I HAVE to bring to work with me because I’m not going to be able to afford to buy lunch out.

Blaugust 26: Misusing Writing Prompts


Fiction Prompt (from Poets & Writers)
You know that weird notion that sometimes surfaces when you meet new people–that feeling that you already know them, but can’t remember why or how? Write a scene for a story about two people who both experience the same déjà vu upon meeting, with a plot driven by their need to figure out how they know each other. Use this opportunity to add an element of magical realism to your story. Perhaps they were married in a past life, or maybe they met in a dream. Once they solve the puzzle, how does this impact their lives going forward? Do they even believe the answer, or do they agree it’s too far-fetched?

This reminds me of a story I wanted to write. A story about love and dreams and reality. I was going to have the main couple meet in a dream–except, instead of A dream, they would keep meeting in dreams, and the dreams would vary a lot as dreams do. I was going to have them be birds one time.

Fairly recently I read a summary of a new book that had a much too similar premise to this. Of course what I thought was, I waited to long and now it’s too late. Someone else did it, so I shouldn’t even bother.

Now, I haven’t read this book so I don’t know the details of the plot. And it’s safe to say that this book is not exactly the same as the book I would write. It does seem close enough, though, that it makes me wonder. Because, see, I would much prefer to put writing out there that is unique. I dread the idea of someone reading a book I wrote and thinking, “I could have written that.” I don’t see the point in writing if I’m only doing what has already been done.

Maybe it’s not possible to do something as different as that without becoming China Mieville. The details of his worlds are quite fascinating… but the next person to write like him is just going to be seen as “copying.” Because when you’re THAT different, no one else can just happen to go there.

 

(Please don’t ask me what the gif has to do with the post… because the answer is nothing.)

 

 

Blaugust 25: Yes, It IS Too Hot


Recently, it’s started to cool off a little bit. That would tend to happen in the later part of summer, right? Seems logical? I couldn’t say. It’s so hot that I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT LOGIC IS.

I guess this is how weather in New England has always been, but according to most news outlets each year is setting new records for heat. So when it gets cooler for a few days and I can get through the day without feeling like I’m melting–and then it gets hot again, I really feel offended. The weather has perpetrated a personal slight against me. I get too comfortable when it cools off, thinking that I’ll finally be able to function like a human rather than a pile of goo, and I’m never prepared for the heat wave that ALWAYS comes back again, it seems.

That was very badly written. It’s because I’m so hot. Because my room retains heat like it’s lined in lead or something. (Is that how lead would work? I’m really tired so I’m not sure if that’s correct.)

 

This post is stupid.

Death to summer. Long live fall!

Blaugust 24: The Unknown


August is disappearing fast, and I do not know how I feel about this. There’s good and bad aspects I guess.

I have a tendency to start thinking too far ahead sometimes, and right now what’s on my mind but the fact that there is only one week left of Blaugust. Now, I don’t have a strong emotional attachment or anything, but I can’t help wondering what is going to happen when it’s over.

Will I keep blogging regularly? Will I write something every day? Will I make “Blogtember”? (Don’t worry, if I blog ever day in September I’ll do it without a silly name.)

Will I fall off the wagon, as it were, and stop writing again? Will I feel too discouraged knowing that most of the posts I’ve done this month are actually pretty bad?

Will I wait until I have something to say AND a better notion of how to say it?

What am I going to do? Should I just remove myself from blogging life entirely, stop doing it because it’s clear that I’ll NEVER make money this way? (Not that I think it’s only worth it if I end up making money, I just don’t understand why I haven’t qualified for adsense yet. So I have a smaller following than most blogs that make money–that just means it will take longer to reach a payout. Doesn’t that make it BETTER for them? Because they’re paying me less? …Yeah so clearly I don’t get how that works.)

I’m also wondering how the remaining week will go. I thought that by now I would have cleared out some of my overcrowded thoughts and reached at least one gem that other people could relate to, but I’ve been so stressed that more of the pointless thoughts, the ones that if I were actually editing I would just cut out, keep piling on. My brain is STILL so overwhelmed that it goes blank in the middle of writing. I have momentum, but I stop to think for a second, and whatever path the post might have taken took a sharp turn and then just starts looping on itself.

That is what has happened just now, so I guess I’ll end things here without a proper conclusion. Tell me what you think I’m going to do at the end of this month-long experiment.

Blaugust 23: Then, A Nap


Although I woke up later than I wanted today, I started off with what should have been plenty of time. Then, I proceeded to waste the rest of the morning and left to do errands around noon. I was gone for several hours and should have started working when I got home.

But I was tired.

So I took a nap.

The nap was only about an hour. But then I checked my email and poked around the evil black hole of Facebook for a while. Before I knew it, it was nearly seven in the evening and I had to make something for dinner.

By the time I finished eating, it was almost seven thirty. I set my plate aside and finally started working. By then, though, I was stuck in an internet loop of Netflix, Facebook notifications, and checking my email every ten minutes. So I’ve only gotten through a little bit of my work today. It’s mainly due to stress, which builds up so much sometimes that actually working becomes nearly impossible. Unfortunately, the deadlines and the bill pay dates don’t change in accordance, so it just causes MORE stress.

And that is how you waste a day being barely productive. I hope this was an informative, instructional post for you.

Blaugust 22: NEVER STOP


There is danger in taking a break, especially if you’re feeling overtired.

If you are like me, you’ll prefer, as opposed to going straight from one job into the next, to take a little time to relax. Maybe you read some leisure articles on the internet. Maybe you scroll through facebook a few times. Or watch an episode of a thing.

Maybe then you feel really sleepy, so you lay down to take a nap for a little while. At that point it’s already been nearly two hours, and the nap adds another hour onto that.

Then it’s starting to get kind of late, and you haven’t decided what to eat for dinner. You don’t really have time to make anything because you took such a long break that you need to spend pretty much every remaining moment of the day working.

So, while you intended to take a short break and be back to working within an hour, instead you took over three hours and now, you’re stressed out over how much you can actually get done. How late will you have to stay up to get the work done that you need to? Or, how much will you be able to do before you get too tired to concentrate?

This is me at the moment. Having gotten stuck in a long cycle of procrastination and then bursts of nonstop work to make up for it, and trying finally to resist this cycle by NOT procrastinating again, I’ve been in a sort of nonstop work phase. I took a break from work for half the weekend, but the break was full of obnoxious train travel and social plans, and so I still find myself very, very tired.

The plan was (and still is) to keep doing the work I need to do, working straight through until I finish (which will likely be sometime between Wednesday midday and Thursday morning), and then finally take a real break from editing type work until next week. In the meantime, I also have the regular shifts at my retail job, and I’ll be there all day on Sunday.

Working harder in the short term is all in the service of getting my adult life on track (I would have said “back” on track but, really, was it ever?)–dealing with debt, finally having a savings account again, and actually getting ahead of my bills for the first time in a loooong time. And this plan always seems like something that should be simple enough to do. Just keep working. Not complicated, right?

Well. Sometimes, it turns out to be extremely draining. So you try to take a short break, but you end up losing precious time to the vast vacuum of the Internet. You look back and know that you didn’t do anything with that time that you’ll ever even remember. And maybe you regret it. And then you lose more time thinking about all the time you lost…

Bad plan.

At that point, you just get back to what you were doing and you get as focused as you can. Which is my plan for right now.

 

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