I’m feeling extra contemplative right now. It might be all the very contemplative blog posts I read this morning, or the change of scenery this weekend from Boston to lovely, suburb-ly Vermont. Maybe it’s just that I spent significant time with a person this weekend (my mom) instead of a few hours here or there. And as I’ve always said, I love my alone time, but I need to connect with people or life will always feel pointless.
I get these moments, sometimes, when I have lots of poignant thoughts about life, but they all just sort of drift through my mind, like wisps of fog, dissipating to make room for others and the dulling regularities of life. They might come back again, later on, but I can’t summon them myself; I have to be reminded somehow.
The only thing that’s sticking right now is: I have to write. Just sit down and write. NOT when I have the time in between my schedule. Like ALL freaking day. That’s what I feel like I need right now.
This presents a problem I shouldn’t have to explain. I have a full-time job (yay?). I have an hour-long commute to get to that job. I LOVE sleep.
And all the fall premieres are starting. This means that I really can’t spend the majority of my time sitting down and writing. Maybe a few hours a day, if I spent ALL available time on it. Which would mean no chores or workouts or cooking.
I know what this sounds like to some people. I don’t care, though. My “soul” (or whatever you want to call it) is scratching to get out, and in my efforts to keep it in so that I can make money and function as an adult, I’m getting beat up. Like anyone, I can only hold out for so long.
If I had programming skills, I would spend my extra time creating websites and phone apps until one of my awesome ideas was bought for some tidy sum and I could live off that, and write all day. I mean, I have had some AWESOME ideas. I’m serious. (Probably none that would really make me a lot of money, but you never know…) But I have no programming knowledge, skills, or training. So first it would require me to learn how…
Any plan I come up with has too many steps before I can actually make any changes to my everyday situation. This is UNACCEPTABLE. I need a now-fix. Not a later-fix.
Mostly I just feel like I’m fucking crazy.