Time moves on and I, again, am stuck in place. Small things change, but never things that matter.
They say–“they” meaning everyone–that you have to make changes happen, instead of just waiting around. And maybe if I could figure out what I actually wanted, it would make sense to try to get it. I have no clue.
One of the things I miss most about college was the constant cycle of change. New classes, new temporary jobs and internships, everything happening in chunks of 3-4 months and then, before you know it, there’s a new thing starting. It was set up that way. The rest of your life could very well be the same exact day, year after year, until you die. If that happens to me, I can say right now that I will not be content. No, I’ll be sitting there, wondering why I couldn’t figure out how to make myself happy.
I need a change. I mean a REAL change, a big change. Move to a new country, start a brand new career, go back to school for something I’ve never studies before change.
I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m tired of the way things are now.
Today was not a good day. I feel like it SHOULD have been a good day because the whole point was to relax and not get stressed out about anything. For ONE DAMN DAY. But I’m not sure how it COULD have been a good day, simply because there are circumstances in my life that just make things really difficult in general.
What I thought I would do today:
Take a long walk
Pick up my room a little
Call some people
What I actually did:
Glance at my work email (bad idea)
Notice joint pain
Check bank accounts (VERY bad idea)
Think about how life could be better
Try not to cry (failed)
Now there’s just enough time that I could probably manage to get some reading done, or do very light yoga… but you know how you get to a certain point in a bad day and you can’t imagine trying? It’ll be an achievement if I do the least bit of prep for lunch tomorrow, which I HAVE to bring to work with me because I’m not going to be able to afford to buy lunch out.
There is danger in taking a break, especially if you’re feeling overtired.
If you are like me, you’ll prefer, as opposed to going straight from one job into the next, to take a little time to relax. Maybe you read some leisure articles on the internet. Maybe you scroll through facebook a few times. Or watch an episode of a thing.
Maybe then you feel really sleepy, so you lay down to take a nap for a little while. At that point it’s already been nearly two hours, and the nap adds another hour onto that.
Then it’s starting to get kind of late, and you haven’t decided what to eat for dinner. You don’t really have time to make anything because you took such a long break that you need to spend pretty much every remaining moment of the day working.
So, while you intended to take a short break and be back to working within an hour, instead you took over three hours and now, you’re stressed out over how much you can actually get done. How late will you have to stay up to get the work done that you need to? Or, how much will you be able to do before you get too tired to concentrate?
This is me at the moment. Having gotten stuck in a long cycle of procrastination and then bursts of nonstop work to make up for it, and trying finally to resist this cycle by NOT procrastinating again, I’ve been in a sort of nonstop work phase. I took a break from work for half the weekend, but the break was full of obnoxious train travel and social plans, and so I still find myself very, very tired.
The plan was (and still is) to keep doing the work I need to do, working straight through until I finish (which will likely be sometime between Wednesday midday and Thursday morning), and then finally take a real break from editing type work until next week. In the meantime, I also have the regular shifts at my retail job, and I’ll be there all day on Sunday.
Working harder in the short term is all in the service of getting my adult life on track (I would have said “back” on track but, really, was it ever?)–dealing with debt, finally having a savings account again, and actually getting ahead of my bills for the first time in a loooong time. And this plan always seems like something that should be simple enough to do. Just keep working. Not complicated, right?
Well. Sometimes, it turns out to be extremely draining. So you try to take a short break, but you end up losing precious time to the vast vacuum of the Internet. You look back and know that you didn’t do anything with that time that you’ll ever even remember. And maybe you regret it. And then you lose more time thinking about all the time you lost…
At that point, you just get back to what you were doing and you get as focused as you can. Which is my plan for right now.
So, today was long and busy…
Tomorrow will be long and busy…
I ate lots of food and probably didn’t sleep enough.
I got rid of even more books, some of which I really liked. But I’m in the very long process of decluttering. It happens in stages, sometimes getting rid of large amounts of things and sometimes just a small handful. Either way, it feels good to get rid of things I really just don’t need to keep.
And the best part of the day has to be seeing the dog. She’s such a funny old lady.
It’s late and I can’t think of a topic to write about. I just barely remembered that I still had to post. So today you get basic. Super basic.
I’m really looking forward to fall.
Yoda was a wise old Jedi.
I’ve been thinking about my (lack of) workout routine today. Very few people reading this (just one or two, probably) will know that there was a time I used to work out nearly every day. I didn’t do super intensive workouts, just enough to get my heart rate up and work up a bit of a sweat. Generally, this consisted of yoga and bodyweight/dumbbell exercises, no gym required, just the decision to do it.
(Related: I once trekked home from City Sport carrying twenty pounds of weights that almost ripped through a reusable grocery bag. My shoulders were just a little sore when I got home…)
I honestly can’t say why I stopped, but at some point I just started NOT working out more often than I did. From time to time I would try to get back into the habit in small steps. “Just start by doing ten push-ups every day this week. That’s not too hard.”
Or, it shouldn’t have been. But I’d do it for the first two days. Then the third day I just didn’t feel like it. The next day, I completely forgot about it. Two days later I did the push-ups again, but gave up shortly. This sort of story (with different activities–a little bit of planking, a few sets of squats) happened a few times. Each time it just didn’t work.
I tried using this “start with a little bit” method of getting into the habit of working out because I read the advice in several articles. I can only say that for me, this does not work. It’s too small of a commitment. The time and exertion that actually goes into it is negligible. It feel pointless to do it, and utterly unimportant if you miss a day. I’ll just do them tomorrow! Except no, I won’t, because tomorrow five to ten minutes of working out will still seem too dumb to bother with.
The workout will not actually affect how I feel unless it’s at least thirty minutes (twenty can work, but only if I really do it every single day). Gotta get the heart rate up. Get the endorphins going. I need to work in a “real” workout or I just won’t feel any point to it.
I type all this out in the hope that verbalizing this issue I’ve been having (and the solution I’ve come up with) will push me a little more toward actually doing something, rather than just thinking about it.
What do you think?
Half the month of August just cannot be over. I mean, it’s not fair! I have SO much to get done! (I know, that’s my fault. If I were better at being an adult and actually getting things done, I would not end up with such immense to-do lists. I continually have too much faith in my ability to actually do the thing the second time it comes up–as opposed to the tenth time. Once in a while I make a conscious decision to work on this habit, but then I put it off until the next day… what I’m saying is, I am the champion of procrastination.)
Today turned out to be terribly inconvenient. I started work early, but unfortunately had more left to do than I thought. So, after a few hours when there was an issue with the power and internet, I had to trek out somewhere to finish up the work and send it to the appropriate recipient. I’ve been sitting in a coffee shop for over two hours now. That’s a long time for me these days… in the end it worked out ok, but it would have been so much easier if everything just worked in the place where I started. The interruption just makes things more difficult.
I wish I had news to share. The only thing I can think of is that yesterday, when I posted all about what I ate that day, I had many more likes on the post than the previous few days, where I had NO post likes on my random musings. Sometimes, when I want to write a post but have no good topic ideas, I write about some random thought I have. And no one, it seems, gives a shit about those…
Of course, to me a blog is for just that. It’s for posting whatever random crap you want. If you start posting only on certain topics or spending hours crafting a post, it’s not a blog anymore. It’s an internet publication. It’s a fancy, official thing that then needs to be monitored and edited frequently.
Call me crazy, but I have always liked blogging the random thoughts in my head. And I’m probably going to keep doing it. But if I never get any likes on those posts, I don’t want to post them. Blogging has become a strange thing–even if you aren’t doing it professionally, you find yourself feeling somewhat competitive about them. “I write better than what they post on THAT blog, why do they get to make money from it?” And other thoughts like that.
This has gotten very rambly and I’m not sure where it’s going, but I need to pack up and get back home now.
I often get snippets of last night’s dreams at random times during the day. By snippets, I mean anything from a weird impression of a thing that my brain told me really happened while I was in dreamland, to the entire contents of the dream packed into a sudden memory that my mind processes in less than a second. And since dream time is very different, and one dream can sometimes occur as if over many years, that can be quite a strange experience.
Sometimes I’ll only remember the people who were in it and what type of interaction we had, as opposed to what actually happened.
I’ll say from time to time, “I have the weirdest dreams.” When I have this thought, I don’t usually mean the ones where I was talking with a headless demon or giant bugs invaded my bedroom (both of those were real dreams I had). I mean the ones that would be essentially indistinguishable from real life but for the distinct separation, when awake, between the experiences that are “real” and those that are fabricated in the mind.
You might think–well, I dreamed last night that I was a mer-octopus with the head of a lion, so that was weirder.
Is it, though? Because that is most obviously a dream. No matter what you know it is a dream, because that type of dream is so different from the real world.
In a way the dreams that are most like real life, with strange differences (like your best friend looks completely different, or your relationship with someone in your life is completely different, or a friend makes a cameo but they act like they never would in real life…) are weirder. They’re jarring, sometimes disorienting. Sometimes you’ll think “I’m so glad that was a dream,” and other times “I wish that wasn’t a dream.”
I wonder what I will be dreaming about tonight.
I want something interesting to write about. Nothing really happens in my life. I’m sure that’s mostly my fault. Interesting people live more interesting lives. If my life is boring, then I must be boring. Right?
Basically today went like this: I overslept, then poked at the computer for a little while until I had to go to work. After I got home, it was all about food because I didn’t eat much during the day. So I overate for dinner. And then I poked at the internet again.
I wish my days were filled with creativity and ideas and laughter. That’s what motivates and inspires me. That is what would make me excited to go write a blog post.
No luck today, I guess. Try again tomorrow.
I was wondering what to write about today when I saw for the second (or third) time today a link in my facebook feed for “Destino,” a short film by Disney based on a collaboration in the 1940s with SALVADOR DALI.
Watch it HERE.
Dali and Disney. Now, Disney has some weird shit going on here and there, but in general you wouldn’t think to connect them. People forget that in some ways, Walt Disney really was a visionary in the world of animation. However, he was also a capitalist and apparently, the project was abandoned because he decided it wouldn’t make enough money. An understandable but disappointing conclusion.
Luckily, some people decided to bring back the project and work off the original storyboards to make something interesting, strange, and beautiful.
It’s a surreal (obviously) and somewhat haunting animation. It reminds me that I need to bring more of the interesting, strange, and beautiful into my life. It is what appeals to me most, and what inspires me. I find that my best writing is WEIRD. And my favorite art is kind of weird. At the same time, there is a sense of beauty and elegance in the type of weirdness that I like.
It feels strange to be reminded of something that should be so obvious. I start to wonder: do we forget and come back to ourselves too many times in life? I never used to forget these things. Until I had to live in the adult, “real” world, and function to some degree like an adult. I find it exhausting, most of the time.
Image: By BBC, Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=6967852
I’m only writing this right now to avoid the utter failure of missing the first day of a self-imposed blogging challenge.
The last writing challenge I did was the 365k365day challenge (which I detailed to some degree on my writing blog). I think it was in 2014. I was very excited about it to begin with, but lost steam all too quickly and beyond April of that year, barely wrote 1,000 words. My failure in that challenge coincided with my overall writing hiatus. Perhaps it even caused it. I don’t know–I don’t think I’ll ever know.
I was going to do editing work when I got home from the retail work, but after my short dinner break and a bit of poking things on the internet, I took a little time to watch an episode or two on Netflix. Now it’s 10:30 and I still intend to do the work… Read the rest of this entry