I swear I had something to say. I was thinking about it just last night. Maybe even early this morning. Now I can’t remember.
This is why ideas should be written down. There will be a lot of them that come to nothing. They’ll seem brilliant, important, or at least mildly interesting at first and you will be sure that you can make something of them. Then you come back a week or a month later–sometimes only an hour–and it sounds pointless, boring, ridiculous. On occasion, it makes no sense whatsoever. And that’s fine. All of our ideas can’t be good. That’s just unrealistic. But by not writing ideas down, I am sure I’ve forgotten more good ideas than I remember.
To be fair, habits take a long time to develop, and I used to have a much better memory. I never had trouble remembering the important things. But I guess that was when I had a lot less to remember. As an adult, with adult responsibilities, and the knowledge of how much you’ve already forgotten in your life, you know that you’d damn well better write down anything that’s important.
And yet you still forget.
I should take a walk. I should go outside. It’s so sunny, the sky is so blue, and I really need a few minor grocery items. But now that it’s actually turned into winter and there’s snow on the ground, I am reluctant to go out…
…because of shoes.
I don’t have any good shoes to wear in the snow. I have some that are, at most, acceptable for a short walk, assuming I can get back inside and take them off when they inevitably become soaked with gross, salty snow (I live in the city so the snow gets gross very quickly). In fact, in every sense, preparing my legs to go out in winter weather is always the worst part, especially if I want to wear a dress. Socks won’t do because I’ll still be cold, but tights are not warm enough. And I’ve worn multiple layers of socks before and I have to say, I don’t enjoy it.
Also, as I’m still waiting on some income that has been delayed, it’s better to stay in. If I do go to the store to buy my bread and half and half, I’ll be tempted to get something else as well, and it won’t be something I really need, but it would be tasty and hard to turn down. So to avoid the inevitable extra expense of something I shouldn’t buy, I should stay at home.
But if I don’t buy bread, what am I going to do with all this jam?
This morning I started hearing a pounding. I couldn’t tell where it actually came from and it just kept going. At one point I thought someone was knocking on the back door very loudly. Then I thought someone was hammering something downstairs. Finally, when I got up and went to take a shower, I saw feet outside the window and realized that someone is working on the roof.
While this makes much more sense, I wish I had known people were going to be pounding on the roof today. It’s very distracting and I need to work.
(On a side note, I used to get ready in the morning in about 15 minutes. It takes me forever now. I miss being able to just roll out the door. Of course, I didn’t often have nice outfits on, never really wore makeup. I’d prefer to take a little more time to look put together, but I’d prefer even more to be able to look put together in just a few minutes.)
Then, after my shower, I found out that David Bowie passed away. Sometimes celebrity death rumors are false, so I didn’t believe it right away, but google confirmed it.
The world has lost an amazing talent. He has been one of my very favorite musicians for years now (although not as many as I’d like to claim, since for much of my earlier life I only knew him as the Goblin King), and although he was getting older, I’m sure he could have given us more wonderful music in his remaining years. I was unaware that he had been struggling with cancer, which makes me feel more in awe of his recent release of Blackstar. Only a true artist would be able to create a work to share with the world in such a situation.
David Bowie was truly unique, creative, and prolific (I am not sure if there’s a set number of albums he would have to reach to be prolific, but a career spanning numerous decades and more albums than most artists release, I think he deserves the term). Inspiring, impossible to ignore, and with a lot to say. The world will miss this Starman.
This is the title of a book I got for Christmas. Yes, it was on my wishlist. Because I am in my twenties. And it’s kind of weird.
The book actually has that asterisk. I guess you’re not allowed to actually write “fuck” on a book cover, because Go the F*ck to Sleep had the same thing. CENSORSHIP. PROTECT US FROM THE DIRTY WORDS PLEASE, BECAUSE THEY’RE THE REAL PROBLEM AROUND HERE!!!
You might not be surprised to hear that things have been a little bit crazy lately. Between the holidays and visiting family, the emotional mess I became in the few weeks before the holidays (for no reason, really), the unusual work schedule, and the weather (it turns out I actually hate winter, so, yeah), I feel like I haven’t had a chance to really relax pretty much since Thanksgiving.
That’s all about how I spend my time, though. I need to figure out how to manage time and money effectively. Less procrastination. In my last year of college I resolved to do my homework as soon as possible and never put it off. That didn’t happen, of course, but I think I finished everything at least the day before it was due. Unfortunately, I have no actual deadlines to work with now…
I would really like to spend January on vacation. I don’t mean out of town, away on some tropical island somewhere–although I guess that would be nice too. I was actually thinking staycation. Because all I want to do right now is nurse my creativity. I want to read all these books I’ve had around, many for over a year now, and absorb the literature and the art. I also want to re-read Memoirs of Hadrian and The Waves, both fantastic books I’ve only read once. I need to finish Pride and Prejudice, finally, and read at least some of the entries from History of the World in 100 Objects. I got it as a present a long time ago, because I claimed to want it very very much, and I haven’t actually read a single word of it.
And then I want to delve into the stories in my head. There are so many, and they’re tired of being unseen. It’s like my productivity as a writer is a frozen river; it’s flowing, but I just can’t get to it through this layer of ice.
That ice is day-to-day life. It’s an 8-hour work day plus an hour of commute at each end. It’s forcing myself out of bed in the morning when I’m still so tired, and trying to get through the morning quickly enough that I’ll get to work on time (sometimes…). It’s those evenings when you get home and make dinner, and do the dishes, and then take a shower, and then you pretty much only have time to go to bed.
Because I spend way more time complaining about all this stuff than actually taking steps to improve my life, I feel the need to make a certain point here: this stuff is a lot easier for some people. Plenty of people wake up on time (even if they don’t enjoy it) and they go through their work day and they get home and are productive in their free time. I suspect that these people are well-adjusted ones who had mostly happy adolescences and were never lonely or excluded, because they were “normal.”
I am not one of those people. For me, the idea of coming home after work and cleaning and writing and doing the things I want to do that would make life nicer in general is at times quite impossible. Making some kind of sandwich melt in the toaster oven and then watching shows on hulu for three hours always seems so much simpler and more attainable of a goal.
But I’ve got Resolutions this year! (One of them is making the updates to this blog I talked about in an earlier post.) I’m thinking of them as Non-New Year’s Resolutions, because I don’t think New Year’s Resolutions actually work. I’m planning to make a youtube video about it and posting it early in January… I’ll link it, so keep an eye out if you’re interested. In a nutshell, my resolutions are about getting off my ass and actually trying to do the things I want to do. But it’s more particular than that.
With a reluctant sigh, I guess I should get back to that “life” now and get something done…
Madness indeed. I don’t really feel like writing anything. Everything’s just a mess, there’s no time to do anything, and I’m off to the family Christmas traditions tomorrow morning. All I’ll have time to do between now and then is pack and eat breakfast. Maybe some reading.
It’s strange how stressful work can get when there’s any more than a day or two off in a month. How am I supposed to finish my work? AAAAAGH!!!!
Today was weird, and almost bad, but I had a really nice time at lunch and tasty food. Just about made up for the unfortunately icky weather.
What is there to say? My mind is already on vacation. Anything I type right now is going to be mediocre at best. That’s the Joy of Christmas, folks!
Fingers crossed that my train tomorrow won’t be too crowded, and that eggnog will cure my silly brain. Eggnog inspires productivity, right?
First, I want to say that what happened Saturday night was barely a snowstorm. In Boston, it had completely stopped by Sunday. And yet, this morning there were too many stupidly icy sidewalks (hint: one is too many) and ridiculous traffic because no one can ever remember how to drive once there’s the smallest amount of snow. So I give up. If we have another snowstorm, which seems likely, I’m just not going to leave my house until spring. I’ll do that peapod thing to have my groceries delivered and order lots of pizzas.
Now, a quick thank you to everyone who liked my cupcake post. It’s nice to have that validation, since no one I invited over to have some thought it was worth the trip–either for having the cupcakes or for hanging out with me. I mean, that’s a major fail, right? But I realized I hadn’t done a real food post for a while, so there you go. There are still about four cupcakes left, but by now they’re on the stale side, so probably not worth a trip at this point anyway.
Logically I know people are just busy and sort of far away (unfortunate consequence of living in Boston: only friends who live in your neighborhood are actually easy to get to), but emotionally it just feels like everyone’s rejecting me. I started out December being really excited about Christmas, but now I’m kind of depressed.
I’ve been shopping way too much. And then, you know, the second you say “Ok, that’s it. I’m going to be good and not buy all this stuff I don’t need,” that’s when something comes up and you end up spending anyway. Like Christmas presents (I didn’t spend that much, but combined with everything it adds up), or the $20 off a $50 purchase from Sephora with a time limit (how could I pass that up?), so you can get that $34 container of moisturizer without feeling so bad about it. The good news is, that one container is probably going to last me at least six months. I think it might be time to trade in my coins for Real Money. It won’t be that much. Probably somewhere between $10 and $20. But it’ll do me more good in my pocket than sitting in a jar on a shelf.
Ok, I know I’ve been teasing you. You’re wondering about the naked santas, right? Well… Read the rest of this entry
From my window on the third floor, I looked down and there was a nice white sheet on the ground. “Hey look, snow!” Then I went outside, about 1/2 hour later. “Oh… slush. Fuck.”
Snow would be ok. Light, powdery, fun snow. This is more in the freezing rain category, making sidewalks just slippery enough to be a potential problem, and causing giant icy puddles to form at the edge of every curb. This is disgusting, completely unacceptable weather.
Speaking of unacceptable weather, I haven’t managed to complete my health insurance application for the program that’s supposed to replace Commonwealth Care–and don’t even get me started on the fact that they can’t for some reason just transfer everyone over to the new service. You know, like this: “If you qualified for [this program] under the old policies, you will now have [this program].”
I keep thinking, people whose jobs provide them health insurance must have it so much easier, because their employers give them all the forms and whatnot. They don’t have to figure it out themselves.
One reason the application is taking so long is that the website is always having glitches. The first two times I went to do it, the whole thing just wouldn’t work. Now, every time the wording of a question makes me go, “No, neither of those actually apply,” I end up somehow getting kicked out of the application and then I have to go through it from the beginning.
If anyone reading this has managed to do the application and has any tips on how to complete the damn thing, please let me know.
Anyway, considering that you have to register and pay, not just do the application, by the 23rd in order to have insurance in January, it’s looking more and more like I’m getting screwed out of health insurance for the beginning of next year. By a fucking website.
It’s not Christmas season, it’s eggnog season! I swear, it’s one of the things I look forward to most. And I don’t mean cocktail style, with rum or whatever people put in it. Just plain old, ridiculously sweet, rich, freaking delicious eggnog. Last year I made pancakes with it. This year I’ve been thinking about making cupcakes. Spice cake with eggnog frosting. I’m pretty excited.
I keep thinking about the pumpkin saturation we’ve been seeing the last few years. every fall, or rather, late summer, pumpkin starts creeping in, and by the end of September you can barely take a step without colliding with something pumpkin-flavored. Maybe it’s that fact, or maybe I just don’t like them as much anymore, but I’m pretty much “over” pumpkin coffees. I’ll get a handful throughout the pumpkin spice season–somewhere between 5 and 10, I’d guess–but I don’t crave them every day and I don’t get that excited for them to come out.
I reserve that feeling for the delicious, probably not nutritious, eggnog latte. Starbucks started having it just before Thanksgiving, so I’ve already managed to have two. Cafenation is advertising one as well. I’m not sure if they have them yet or if I’m going to have to wait a bit longer, but I’m really looking forward to it. Cafenation does everything well, so I’m sure I’ll love it when they combine two of my favorite things, coffee and eggnog.
This should not be such a big deal. You can in fact get eggnog any time of the year, and I suppose I could get an espresso machine (although at this point I don’t really want one), but eggnog has always been seasonal for me. We had it every Christmas morning. And probably Christmas eve. Now I tend to drink it all through December, padding a little in November and January depending on availability. I don’t want it at other times of the year.
That’s probably a good thing. It’s not exactly the best everyday food. But it is THE BEST holiday drink.
I haven’t even been awake (fully) for three hours and I want to go back to sleep. Such is my life.
And because I woke up so late, I had tea and cookies that I keep in my desk for breakfast. No omelet (see yesterday’s post about what the hell I should do with all the basil), no yogurt, NO COFFEE. I think that bears repeating: I had no coffee this morning. The truth is, I don’t need it for the caffeine. I can wake up ok without any coffee. (And, you know, this might be a thing that addicts say, but) It’s the feeling of sitting down with a cup of coffee, the flavor, the knowledge that I actually have time to sit and drink coffee, more than the effects of the caffeine, that make me so unhappy when I miss it.
And now that I’m sitting at my desk, I don’t want to go out in this below-freezing weather to get coffee.
On some occasions, I sort of wish I were a trophy wife. If that were the case, I would have time for coffee every morning, because I wouldn’t have to worry about being at work. And I’d have time to organize my home, which I have not managed to do. I think that no matter how long I live somewhere, I have to really feel that I want to be in that apartment (or house, but that would be a long way off) before I can make efforts to make it feel like home. Like, I would really like to get some drawer organizers, and then I thought I could probably make some myself. And then I thought further, when the hell am I going to have time for that?
But I don’t really want to be a trophy wife. I want the perks without having to be showered in extreme sexism/chauvinism every day. I want time and space to do the things in life that really matter to me. When you feel like you have to squeeze in the things you really care about wherever you can find time, and otherwise devote your life to pursuits you’re not enjoying just so you can afford to live, the passions and hobbies can become strains–especially when you start to feel guilty whenever you don’t have time to do them.
I feel like I, and pretty much everyone else on the internet, complain about the same things all the time. We could all just shut up and go DO things instead. But it’s so hard.