I got food in my hair this morning. Of course. How else do you start off a week? Such fun. Ugh.
It turned out, although my shoe rack came unassembled (duh), it was really easy to put together. I think it took me ten minutes, listening to Lorde’s album on the internet (who buys cds these days?). I almost think I could actually get my crap organized someday… with a few more bins and boxes, maybe.
And now another week starts. Time is passing too quickly, at least, in comparison to what I’ve been able to get done lately. I don’t need to be productive all the time, but I’ve been pretty much useless for the past month or so. I’ve had a lot of free time, all things considered, and I was going to use it to get ahead on work and personal projects, and here I am, having done nothing at all for way too long. I feel so dumb and lazy…
Last night I decided I should make some dinner even though I didn’t think I was hungry. I didn’t make what I had planned, because it was slightly more effort. Instead I made a quick tomato sauce and butternut squash ravioli from Trader Joe’s.
Tomato sauce of the consistency people expect when they say “tomato sauce” takes quite a while to make. But any sauce you make in which tomatoes are a key ingredient is tomato sauce. I made a simple version in a saute pan this time. I started by frying some chopped green peppers, cooking them until they were sizzling. Then I added the tomatoes and a handful of scallions. I let the pan cook up for a few minutes before I added a small amount of water. That’s what makes it sauce. Some basil, black pepper, and time to simmer, and it was smelling delicious. The ravioli was drained, put into the sauce and mixed around until they were covered. Finally, I ate it up. (The typical last step of dinner).
In the end I was glad I decided to cook, because it was really good. But I also kind of wished I didn’t have to…
I’m feeling extra contemplative right now. It might be all the very contemplative blog posts I read this morning, or the change of scenery this weekend from Boston to lovely, suburb-ly Vermont. Maybe it’s just that I spent significant time with a person this weekend (my mom) instead of a few hours here or there. And as I’ve always said, I love my alone time, but I need to connect with people or life will always feel pointless.
I get these moments, sometimes, when I have lots of poignant thoughts about life, but they all just sort of drift through my mind, like wisps of fog, dissipating to make room for others and the dulling regularities of life. They might come back again, later on, but I can’t summon them myself; I have to be reminded somehow.
The only thing that’s sticking right now is: I have to write. Just sit down and write. NOT when I have the time in between my schedule. Like ALL freaking day. That’s what I feel like I need right now.
This presents a problem I shouldn’t have to explain. I have a full-time job (yay?). I have an hour-long commute to get to that job. I LOVE sleep.
And all the fall premieres are starting. This means that I really can’t spend the majority of my time sitting down and writing. Maybe a few hours a day, if I spent ALL available time on it. Which would mean no chores or workouts or cooking.
I know what this sounds like to some people. I don’t care, though. My “soul” (or whatever you want to call it) is scratching to get out, and in my efforts to keep it in so that I can make money and function as an adult, I’m getting beat up. Like anyone, I can only hold out for so long.
If I had programming skills, I would spend my extra time creating websites and phone apps until one of my awesome ideas was bought for some tidy sum and I could live off that, and write all day. I mean, I have had some AWESOME ideas. I’m serious. (Probably none that would really make me a lot of money, but you never know…) But I have no programming knowledge, skills, or training. So first it would require me to learn how…
Any plan I come up with has too many steps before I can actually make any changes to my everyday situation. This is UNACCEPTABLE. I need a now-fix. Not a later-fix.
Mostly I just feel like I’m fucking crazy.
Raise your hand if you like Monday!
Hmm. Didn’t think so.
I’m trying to determine if the complete waste of a weekend makes this Monday better or worse. On the one hand, since this weekend wasn’t particularly good, Monday isn’t horrible by comparison. On the other, not having the buffer of feeling good and productive on the weekend might just result in the very intense need for a weekend by the time this Friday evening rolls around. Plus, I’ll be busy pretty much all of Saturday.
It started with Friday, when my social time heavily featured me in a state of being too tired out from the week to want to really do anything. Then my Five Things Friday writing post for the week was put off until Saturday morning. Then it was put off until Saturday evening, and that continued until it just didn’t happen at all. I have already built in the “rule” that I do not have to do it every single week, but that was my aim, and I had such a good idea for this past Friday that I was a bit disappointed in myself. Maybe I’ll work on my Five Things Friday throughout the week this time, and it will be easily finished at the end of the week.
Following the same theme, the Youtube video I was going to make didn’t happen either. Too tired. Too uninspired by the logistical aspects of filming videos. I know–I should actually stop watching youtube videos at all. I won’t compare myself to other vloggers and I won’t feel embarrassed about my inability to film anything that looks even the slightest bit like I care (not because I don’t care, but because I have a serious lack of equipment).
This week, of course, is not shaping up to be a great one, but not so bad, I guess. I’m just about done with the second manuscript I need to get in by Wednesday, so I’m not really worried about it, and other than that I just have to get down to business on the other tasks and get done as much as I can this week. I won’t feel pressure to finish anything until NEXT week. Which, again, will suck, but… ugh. Around and around we go.
Hey, here’s another super disappointing thing: I got a new comment on a post, and it turned out to be spammy, spammy spam. Ever seen Drawn Together, the episode about Ling-ling being disappointed by things, and how he would kind of wilt? It was like that, except that I didn’t secrete any hallucinogenic substances (that I know of).
Last thursday I made a delicious pizza, and then failed to blog about it. I have a few pictures and it’s on my to-blog list. But, right now it’s just one more thing I did not manage to do this weekend.
Aside from a few, very unusual people, everyone has times like this. No matter how much you would like to be productive and active and checking things off an imaginary (or a real) to-do list, sometimes you just have days when you don’t really get anything done. It could be nothing more than a bout of laziness. You have the right to be lazy sometimes, particularly if you’re generally responsible. But maybe your brain is trying to say, “Hey, I need a break. Just watch movies and read a bit and you know, maybe get out of bed and move around once in a while, but otherwise leave me alone.”
Oh, also, home goods stores don’t seem to sell disposable cups for parties and such. WHAT? What is wrong with you people, not selling party goods! And they only had crappy ones at CVS. So I’m still on the hunt for cups.
This week my office is closed Wednesday and Thursday. So I have a two day work week, then a mid-week weekend, then one day of work, and then the regular weekend. It’s weird and definitely puts an obstacle up in front of actually getting my work done, but I’m happy to have some extra days of leisure snuck into my schedule. It’s hard to try to get both chores and relaxation done on weekends. And no one wants to do chores in the evening after a full day of work.
Now, to be honest, I should have skipped this Monday, because I don’t have anything interesting to say. I am too tired and stressed to be in a good mood or to really be creative. I did come up with some post titles for the rest of the week. I’m not planning to actually follow them, but I thought I’d share anyway. So here it is:
Daily Blogging for Pessimistic People
Thanks, Thursday [sarcastic tone]
Fuck you, Friday.
I hope you were amused by that.