A late post today. I was going to do a little flash fiction on my writing blog this morning and just post a link to it, instead of the usual sort of madness. It was turning out kind of bad, though, and I need more time to work on it, so I didn’t. I worked on my work and I met up with somebody for dinner and we talked about mythology. Then I went to Trader Joe’s. It was so damn crowded, I hated it.
It was not a good day, during work. My productivity wasn’t terrible, but not great either. I was rather bored and got very tired in the afternoon, after my late-morning apple and totally uncool lunch of gritty salad. Fun fact, lettuce that is not pre-washed might take longer than you think to rinse all the dirt off. (I have a weird definition of “fun,” ok?) I’m stressed about a bunch of things. Several aspects of my life are feeling very uncertain, and uncertainty gives me anxiety. If it’s about something important.
Is it just me, or is the opening of The Devil Wears Prada the MOST fun thing to watch? I had a little extra time this morning, somehow, and I decided to put the movie on. I watched the first minute and a half like four times. What do I like about it so much? I can’t be sure. I just write it off as “I really like clothes!”
Here’s to having a week that maybe won’t completely suck?
I’m feeling extra contemplative right now. It might be all the very contemplative blog posts I read this morning, or the change of scenery this weekend from Boston to lovely, suburb-ly Vermont. Maybe it’s just that I spent significant time with a person this weekend (my mom) instead of a few hours here or there. And as I’ve always said, I love my alone time, but I need to connect with people or life will always feel pointless.
I get these moments, sometimes, when I have lots of poignant thoughts about life, but they all just sort of drift through my mind, like wisps of fog, dissipating to make room for others and the dulling regularities of life. They might come back again, later on, but I can’t summon them myself; I have to be reminded somehow.
The only thing that’s sticking right now is: I have to write. Just sit down and write. NOT when I have the time in between my schedule. Like ALL freaking day. That’s what I feel like I need right now.
This presents a problem I shouldn’t have to explain. I have a full-time job (yay?). I have an hour-long commute to get to that job. I LOVE sleep.
And all the fall premieres are starting. This means that I really can’t spend the majority of my time sitting down and writing. Maybe a few hours a day, if I spent ALL available time on it. Which would mean no chores or workouts or cooking.
I know what this sounds like to some people. I don’t care, though. My “soul” (or whatever you want to call it) is scratching to get out, and in my efforts to keep it in so that I can make money and function as an adult, I’m getting beat up. Like anyone, I can only hold out for so long.
If I had programming skills, I would spend my extra time creating websites and phone apps until one of my awesome ideas was bought for some tidy sum and I could live off that, and write all day. I mean, I have had some AWESOME ideas. I’m serious. (Probably none that would really make me a lot of money, but you never know…) But I have no programming knowledge, skills, or training. So first it would require me to learn how…
Any plan I come up with has too many steps before I can actually make any changes to my everyday situation. This is UNACCEPTABLE. I need a now-fix. Not a later-fix.
Mostly I just feel like I’m fucking crazy.
Ever have one of those times when you have a four-day weekend and you get so overexcited about not having to do anything that you really just don’t do anything?
That’s pretty much what happened this past weekend.
Then I woke up this morning with a bit of a queasy stomach and still feeling totally exhausted, so I’m working from home.
But I did have some good times last week. I posted on Wednesday or so that I was going to The Fireplace. I did, and I did in fact order the lobster mac and cheese. It was served with spinach and broccoli, and it was made with really decadent, fancy cheese. It was in fact very delicious. I’m hoping to plan another outing there to get the burger, which, as I’ve been mentioning up and down to everyone I talk to, is actually in my real price range (not often, but once, sure).
I ordered dessert as well, the brownie sundae, after filling up pretty thoroughly on my rich dinner and the generous portion of broccoli. It was too much, and I wished afterward that I’d gotten the lemon tart instead, BUT it was very tasty and I’m sure you would enjoy it if you ordered it. Although I wished for more peanut butter sauce.
Saturday I went to Passage to India in Porter Square and there were lots of leftovers for me. I thought their portions were very generous, about what you would hope for for the price, and also very delicious. I got the moongia chicken special, mostly because of the inclusion of cilantro, and I was not disappointed.
Ah, food. I do love it.
Considering that the office is again going to be closed Thursday and Friday, September really is almost over. I’m probably going to have to give my work an extra push on Monday, the last day of the month, but overall I’m not worried about getting all my work finished. The benefit of working like a maniac earlier in the month. I put in lots of extra hours at home the first two weeks, and some the third week, to make sure I would be able to meet deadlines. This is how we do it in the real world. Often, it kind of sucks at the time, but then I feel quite proud of myself for having everything done.
Off to be slightly productive today. I’m not going to push too hard because I don’t feel too great today (as mentioned above), but I have a certain amount of work I want to make sure I get done.
It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad Monday.
It’s a rainy, but not in a pleasant way, already exhausted, just want to curl up in bed kind of day.
If you have an office job in the U.S., chances are you have today off. Lucky you. I don’t. I have lots of days off in September so I’m not complaining about the TIME per se. The problem is something else. For one, I could be hanging out with friends… maybe… since everyone else has today off.
Then, of course, my usual bus isn’t even running today, so I had to make do with one of the other, more sucky routes to work. And of course I didn’t plan ahead for it, because I think it’s stupid that they stop running certain buses on certain days, or rather, because I forgot entirely that they do that.
Everything about life right now seems uncertain and several degrees less awesome than it could be. I don’t know how to change it.
Also, when two-day shipping was supposed to get me my package on Saturday, and instead I’m getting it tomorrow or Wednesday, that’s not two-day shipping. That’s just regular shipping. As always I blame UPS, not the company I ordered from, because UPS’s policies seem designed to keep my packages away from me, instead of just delivering them.
I want to be clear: I had a good weekend. I enjoyed myself and spent time with people, ate some good food (and some ok food), and of course did a little bit of shopping. I had to. There were so many sales! And this morning, as soon as I had to commute to work, any optimism left over from my good weekend got drained away.
I hate the MBTA.
Ah, my least favorite morning–that is, tied with any other morning I have to wake up early to an alarm in order to do something I don’t particularly care to do…
There have been many moments lately when I have felt extremely jealous of people who seem to have lives closer to the life I want. These people I’m sure don’t have all the things I want and they probably have certain things I don’t care for, but there is without question something there that I desire for myself.
I already know that being jealous of another person is, for lack of a better word, kind of stupid. Or pointless. Or, rather, just a mistake.
That’s because it’s a conclusion based on incomplete information. When I look at someone who has that thing, and I feel jealous, I don’t know what aspects of their life exist that are unwanted. You can’t separate the different pieces of life and only take the good ones. By definition, that is not how life works.
Or, coming at it from a different angle, if you’re feeling jealous of someone who is very successful in life, when they worked very hard to get where they are, you’re only wishing for the end result. Chances are if you put in the hard work you would definitely get somewhere.
Maybe you’re jealous of someone who was born into money. Their life seems easy. But maybe they are severely depressed and hate their life. Maybe they have trouble with relationships. Maybe they find having money stressful and would rather have had less of it.
You know those movies about people who overcome incredible odds to succeed? They can’t really capture how difficult it was.
And in the end, wishing for someone else’s life makes no sense because you can only have yours. Stop wasting time and make your own life better.
Ah, Mondays. The beginning and ending of an ever-present torture cycle.
The entire point of starting this segment(better word?) was to ease myself into the week by just writing whatever came to mind. I could sit and sip coffee (probably my second cup) and have music playing in the background, most likely not having gotten dressed yet. It was going to be wonderful.
Unfortunately–and I really don’t have any easier way to put this–Mondays are evil. Even if I managed to get plenty of sleep during the weekend, the idea of waking up early enough on Monday morning to write a blog post at home is hilarious. Even waking up in time to have breakfast can be a challenge sometimes. I would rather not do the posting at work, but I wouldn’t mind it if I were early. Unfortunately, arriving to work early requires leaving the house before 8, and would also mean I’m sitting in the boss’s house possibly before they’re prepared for it (because the office is in their house. Saves money I guess).
I’m sure they would like to have a real office as much as any of the rest of us.
But back to the point. I was trying to create a writing frame for the week for myself by doing Monday Madness here, and Five Things Friday to wind down on my writing blog. However, in addition to the other things that happen in framing the week (including me being lazy), I haven’t managed to figure out a way for this to go off smoothly.
In other news, I accidentally spent a bunch of money on some really awesome stuff, and I’m still terrible at youtube videos, but I have to stop complaining about needed a camera, because that’s not going to change the circumstance.
Monday Fail “_”
Raise your hand if you like Monday!
Hmm. Didn’t think so.
I’m trying to determine if the complete waste of a weekend makes this Monday better or worse. On the one hand, since this weekend wasn’t particularly good, Monday isn’t horrible by comparison. On the other, not having the buffer of feeling good and productive on the weekend might just result in the very intense need for a weekend by the time this Friday evening rolls around. Plus, I’ll be busy pretty much all of Saturday.
It started with Friday, when my social time heavily featured me in a state of being too tired out from the week to want to really do anything. Then my Five Things Friday writing post for the week was put off until Saturday morning. Then it was put off until Saturday evening, and that continued until it just didn’t happen at all. I have already built in the “rule” that I do not have to do it every single week, but that was my aim, and I had such a good idea for this past Friday that I was a bit disappointed in myself. Maybe I’ll work on my Five Things Friday throughout the week this time, and it will be easily finished at the end of the week.
Following the same theme, the Youtube video I was going to make didn’t happen either. Too tired. Too uninspired by the logistical aspects of filming videos. I know–I should actually stop watching youtube videos at all. I won’t compare myself to other vloggers and I won’t feel embarrassed about my inability to film anything that looks even the slightest bit like I care (not because I don’t care, but because I have a serious lack of equipment).
This week, of course, is not shaping up to be a great one, but not so bad, I guess. I’m just about done with the second manuscript I need to get in by Wednesday, so I’m not really worried about it, and other than that I just have to get down to business on the other tasks and get done as much as I can this week. I won’t feel pressure to finish anything until NEXT week. Which, again, will suck, but… ugh. Around and around we go.
Hey, here’s another super disappointing thing: I got a new comment on a post, and it turned out to be spammy, spammy spam. Ever seen Drawn Together, the episode about Ling-ling being disappointed by things, and how he would kind of wilt? It was like that, except that I didn’t secrete any hallucinogenic substances (that I know of).
Last thursday I made a delicious pizza, and then failed to blog about it. I have a few pictures and it’s on my to-blog list. But, right now it’s just one more thing I did not manage to do this weekend.
Aside from a few, very unusual people, everyone has times like this. No matter how much you would like to be productive and active and checking things off an imaginary (or a real) to-do list, sometimes you just have days when you don’t really get anything done. It could be nothing more than a bout of laziness. You have the right to be lazy sometimes, particularly if you’re generally responsible. But maybe your brain is trying to say, “Hey, I need a break. Just watch movies and read a bit and you know, maybe get out of bed and move around once in a while, but otherwise leave me alone.”
Oh, also, home goods stores don’t seem to sell disposable cups for parties and such. WHAT? What is wrong with you people, not selling party goods! And they only had crappy ones at CVS. So I’m still on the hunt for cups.
I get paid once a month, at the end/beginning of the month, depending on how you look at it. So I always have plenty of money in my account at the very end of a month and through the first week or two, and it looks great during that time! I can do things! The sky (read: stores and restaurants?) is the limit!
But I know it’s not going to last
Rent check comes out. Transfer to savings account (which is usually transferred back to checking so I can pay my bills) comes out. Tax payment comes out. Credit card and loan payments happen. And throughout all of this, food and other essentials (and, ok, often quite a few non-essentials) are purchased.
This is how incomes and living work. We all know this.
But, because I only get paid once a month, I suffer from end-of-month brokeness.
It gets down to only $100-200 in my account. Granted, that’s more than some people have. But, considering that I have no savings, it’s not enough to deal with any emergency expenses. So those, naturally, would have to go on my credit card. On which I already carry a balance right now.
And then I have to buy my train pass on the 1st of the month. Depending on timing, that might have to go on the credit card.
And I’m having a little party the first weekend in August. It won’t be that many people, but it still requires extra money for the food and drinks I plan to provide.
I desperately hope there isn’t a paycheck delay this month. (So far so good, but it’s not certain…)
Life is madness.
I didn’t even get a chance to post this in the morning. That is how madness it is.
If you read my writing blog, then you probably have some idea how I feel about the 4th of July. Maybe if I went off and had a barbeque and got to watch fireworks without thousands of people pushing in from all sides, I might enjoy it more. However, I didn’t get to do that. Mostly, it was crowded and stressful. As a day off from work it didn’t help me much. I had to work all weekend to get to the point I was aiming for this week. I REALLY don’t want to fall behind my goals at work right now. Catching up is way too difficult.
It’s been very hot lately. Now, I know that there are plenty of areas of the world where it has been in the hundreds, even up to 130 or so, and we’ve only had a high of 95 or so in Boston. ONLY 95, GUYS!!! It’s too much for me. Especially because it’s always so humid. It always feels at least 5 degrees hotter than it is, if not more, and even if you never go outside, and don’t really do anything that active for most of the day, you feel kind of clammy all day long. I’ve been trying to continuously drink water to avoid dehydration, and I think I’m doing well, but I still have a headache right now.
Between frequently staying somewhat late at work, ridiculous heat, attempting to organize the unfortunate piles of stuff in my room, trying without much luck to have a social life, and trying to sort out various other things, I’ve gotten to a point where I feel almost like I don’t have time to breathe. This is, of course, metaphorical, as breathing is an automated process that happens without effort as you’re doing other things. I know, it’s amazing. But what I mean is time to relax, recharge… reduce, reuse, recycle. You know. All those things they tell you to do that begin with “re.”
Damn. I need a massage.
Hey, guess what! June favorites happened! On the blog, they are here: June 2013 favorites.
My vlogged favorites are HERE. It’s a bit of a longer video than I was intending but I wanted to do a little introduction about my favorites-listing methods first. It’s still just over 10 minutes, so it won’t take you that long.
Guys! I talk about different favorites on my youtube channel and the favorites section of this blog! Why? Well, because I can, for one. Also, it’s more interesting that way.
…So, I began this post in the morning just before I went to work. I didn’t have time to write any more at the time. I had a lot of thoughts that I could have related but now I can’t remember a single one of them.
I went to Cafenation at least three times this week.
All of my commutes have been failing lately. I need to eliminate this commute.
I’m ready for a very un-motivated Friday night. If I get something done, that’s great. If not, who cares. But I do have some vegetables that need to get used, so I think I’m going to make a frittata.
Or, something that approximates a frittata. I doubt it will be authentic.